with doubt in my heart

I have always wanted to write a blog. Ive created more than 5 accounts over the years but I still can't summon up the courage to write anything. My writing makes me laugh. even when i don't intend it to be funny.


You see I always had this thing with my writing.


Back in the days, before blogs were the norm, i kept a litlle notebook, a journal, where i spilt out all my shit and sunshine. This was way back in gradeschool. more than a... lets not leave clues as to my age now, shall we? lol


fast forward a few years


While cleaning out my closet, i came across my journal and started reading.


Big mistake.


Let's just say i ended up burning the journal in disgust. hahaha.


But the thing is writing is therapeutic for me, but paranoia always gets in the way. 3 blogs and more than a decade after my first one, here i am still scared shitless of transforming my thoughts and feelings into ugly self-serving words.


For now--even if i don't really believe it--for the sake of my sanity-- i'll say that i dont care if my grammar is wrong, if my syntax is comparable to a fourth grader, if my vocabulary is reminiscent of a caveman and if people think im self righteous, pretentious, unintelligent, and melodramatic. I think its about time to finally stop writing on notepads and microsoft word and actually start a blog.


it might be easy for others but for me this took eternity.